I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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