Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
