k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
