what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
