Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
