im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
