well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The air taste purple.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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