God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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