My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
