Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
