just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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