I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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