i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
