First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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