i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
