Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dear god my vagina.
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