If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
