It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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