my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
