i think my tv is drunk
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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