I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
