a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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