I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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