I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
