i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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