what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
