I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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