I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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