Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
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Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
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Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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