I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If that was your dad, he is hot
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
