Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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