Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize