That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
