Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
