I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
