a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
