Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I need moral support for this bender
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
