Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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