I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
