I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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