I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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