No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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