she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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