Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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