You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
