Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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