What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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