She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
