i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
