At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
