The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
