if you like me you must not know who I am
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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