woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
